Dear Nathan

Dear Nathan, 

Today is such an amazing day for you!  Your adoption day!

I am going to let you in on a little secret…I don’t really like to hold babies!  But you kiddo, were special. From the time you were a squeaky little guy, I loved to hold you.  You are just the sweetest little one.

As I held you, I would pray for you something like this: “Lord, please protect this precious little one. Father, I know you love him more than any of us can even imagine and that You desire the best for him. I take comfort in knowing you are already working out your plans to give him a future and a hope. I just want to ask Lord that, if you think it best, he be able to stay with this family you have given to care for him.  Lord they love you and they love him. I feel like this is his best opportunity for him to be nurtured, loved, and to learn about you. Lord if you see fit to have him return to his biological parents please be with him as he grows, nurture his heart, keep him safe from the traumas of this world. Lord, bless this boy, help him to grow into a man with a tender heart towards you and others. Amen” 

Nathan, when I heard the news that your parents were going to be able to adopt you I cried BIG and HAPPY tears. I got on my knees and thanked the Lord!  He knew, Nathan!  He knew your needs even as a tiny infant and He continues to know your needs now as your grow and He want the best for you.  We may not always understand his ways, but He is a good God, He can be trusted, and He loves you so much Nathan! 

May you always know how loved you are, you were chosen.

Continued prayers, Ms Hannah

Thoughts about church being closed on Christmas

I've spent many holidays and "family times" in the hospital caring for patients and their families. I always counted it an honor as I know so do many of my colleagues!  I am surrounded by people who give up time their families every holiday" nurses, social workers, EMS, doctors, ES folks, those who deliver food trays, with a smile...!

LOTS of people work holidays, it is part of life. It is only once every seven years or so that Christmas falls on a Sunday, adding pastors, deacons, musicians etc. to the list of those who work. This infrequency is why what I heard/read was so upsetting to me. Church staff complaining about having to "work" on Christmas as it takes them away from their family!

Wait...what? Really?

Is it too controversial that I want to say, "I've worked to save lives many a holiday...now it's your turn!”? Geesh – for you it is half a day, plan around it and Get. Over. It. You have a job that provides great flexibility and more family time than most. Isn’t it a ministry of service to others? Christmas on a Sunday!  It feels like this should be viewed as a beautiful opportunity to show God's love, and what better day to serve than the day we recognize as the Birth of Our Savior?!


So, when Christmas doesn’t fall on a Sunday do you work?  I don’t see many pastors/church staff visiting the sick in the hospital and certainly none of them have visited my father in the nursing home…not once!

And you know what…I am too annoyed to come down from my soapbox right now – so I am going to stand up here with my hands on my hips for a few more minutes and just SMH!

Addendum: Obviously, this does not refer to all church staff. Some folks actually found it a blessing to be there.

Pay-It-Forward Gone Wrong

We had to run to Aldi. As we walked in we asked A to get a cart and noted how cool it was that someone had put quarters in the carts and left them for people.

A half a minute later here comes A, flushed with excitement, showing us the quarters he got from locking the carts!

Haha! When I explained why they were unlocked he, with only a hint of reluctance, ran back out and put the quarters back in to unlock them.

I let him choose a treat for being so willing to do the right thing and B and I got a good chuckle!

Good day, busy day!

Good day! Snuggly puppies, court for D, Merry  Christmas Beaver - Star Wars: Rogue One, Some shopping, FaceTime with Dad & Mom, pick up A, rush make a dessert and pack a box for NY, Post Office on time - delivery date 12/24/2016 - High Five, Christmas Party at D's (it was over when we got there because the kids were so excited that they started it at 3 instead...okay!) Boys playing monkey in the middle football, laughter, family picture!

High Five!

I

Great visit with D!! Best we've had together in a very long time.

We thanked him for such a good visit and he said, "yeah, and I didn't even lie this time!" #FistBump

Woot woot, baby steps!!

As we walked to the car we just chuckled and recalled Christmas Eve 2014. We were visiting a church because we were too embarrassed to go to the one we'd been going to...

As we were getting ready to leave we complimented the boys on their behavior and how they were able to take cues and really work on being calm etc...

We were about to leave the lobby when D spoke, in his loud excited tone, "Yeah, and I didn't even steal anything!" We rejoiced with him and gave him a high five despite the odd expressions around us!

Am I Confucius?!

While someone was in time out, they decided to help us redecorate by picking at the paint! Who knew you we had so many cool and colorful layers?

Every time I walk by the new design I see Confucius!

(Our mounding on the left, Confucius on right!)

What do you think?

Today!!!

Today is the day!!! Nothing but excitement (and a bit of anxiety) here that our kiddo moves only 15 minutes away!!!!

Yahooooo he will now be so close by!!! Goodbye Saturday road trips, hello spending more time together and getting the appropriate services!! Whoot whoot!!

Pray with us as he starts this new program.

Honestly, I start to worry because he doesn't have a lot of options left if he doesn't do well with this program. It kind of scares me. But on the flip side we've seen God move some pretty big mountains for these kiddos. So, I'm actively working on placing my trust in God.

The first part of Romans 12 talks about making our lives "a living sacrifice." The hardest part about a living sacrifice is that the darn thing keeps crawling off the proverbial altar.  It is a daily sometimes hourly effort to put myself back up there...

"Okay Lord, here I am again, I feel myself slipping off the altar, starting to worry and be anxious when really today should just be about excitement that we've worked so hard to get to this point. Forgive me for not always trusting You as I should.

I give myself and my family to You. Help me to trust, help me to remember that You love these kids more than anyone and that You desire the best for them. Give me the strength to keep advocating, give me the peace I need to quiet my anxious mom-heart, and when it's hard to like them please fill my cup with love for them like you love me with your perfect love despite my own unlovable thoughts, words, and actions.

Lord, give me grace for the journey You have set me upon. Help me to be what D & A need from a mom at this point in their lives. Help me to be patient, kind, and consistent. Please Lord, grant me much wisdom and courage.

Be with Beaver and I to remember to partner together, communicate, and be consistent. Help us to continue to love each other even in the hard times when we don't feel like it. Help us to listen to each other and to speak with respect and help us give each other grace.

And when I'm tempted to want, remind me me You are all I need! May I never look at what others have unless it is to ensure they have enough.

Go before us today, make the path straight for D. I ask for a great fresh start today for this struggling kiddo. He's yours Lord, keep him safe and help him to continue to grow to love, trust, and fear you. Please grow him into a happy productive man.

Amen."

Although these thoughts and feeling are personal, I share them because I know I'm not the only one out there struggling...and if it reaches and encourages one other heart I want to say

1. You are not alone!
2. God is SO good!

Praises and Thanksgiving

As I write this I am crying big tears of thanksgiving and I'm praising the Lord for His amazing grace and divine intervention, yet again, for our family!!

Wow, just wow!!!!

D got in and moves on Monday!!! MONDAY!! Not only does God answer prayer but he does amazingly more than we could ever ask or think!

If you remember from my last major blog update, were concerned that the timing would necessitate D move out of state for a short time until this ideal placement could be secured. The opening is not coming a moment too late or too soon. One week from today his case worker will move him and we will be there to welcome him and get him settled! He will be closer to us (only about 15-20 minutes away) and in a more intensely therapeutic setting.

Honestly, in the past seven days we have seen four major break throughs/answers to prayer. Things we have not shared publicly due to their nature, and friends, trust me when I say, OUR GOD moved mountains this week! (More tears!)

This momma's heart's motto has been:

PRAYING - BELIEVING - EXPECTING

I'm not surprised at His ways, He keeps His promises, and I am just so very grateful for your intercession with us, for us!

Thank you all, for the precious role you have played as intercessor, encourager, hugger, listener, friend...xo!!

I own an Elaine Dalcher!!!

We love art!! Every year we made it a point to attend this one particular Artist open house in Grand Rapids.

For reasons you know well, we have not been able to attend the past few years.

It was tonight and we had one hour between getting out of work and picking A up at school. We did that place, 854 stairs and all, in 45 minutes!!  Whoot whoot!!

On top of that we were able to purchase a piece from an artist I've always admired! It's little but it's mine and I get to pick it up on Monday!!! Happy Christmas to me!

A reminder of how God loves us so much that He takes care of, not only our needs, but some of our wants too!!

Promises

I love this song playing in the car right now...each line speaks to me this evening as my heart is full of gratitude for such love and prayers enveloping us! Thank you for allowing the Lord to use you during this dark time to remind us of HOPE! #GodIsGood #TrustingHisPromises

Sanctus Real

Promises

Sometimes it's hard to keep believing
In what you can't see
That everything happens for a reason
Even the worst life brings
If you're reaching for an answer
And you don't know what to pray
Just open up the pages
Let His word be your strength

And hold on to the promises (Hold tight)
Hold on to the promises (Alright)
Jesus is alive so hold tight
Hold on to the promises

All things work for the good
Of those who love God
He holds back nothing that will heal you
Not even His own Son
His love is everlasting
His faithfulness unending
Oh, if God is for us who can be against us
So if you feel weak

Neither life, nor death
Could separate us
From the eternal love
Of our God who saves us

Intercession Needed

My heart is burdened tonight, for our kiddos.  So many struggles over the past few months and now the residential facility has given notice that they can no longer handle the behaviors so another placement will need to be found.  There is no place in MI willing to take him, so although the search has begun out of state, the Case Worker is leery to make this move on account of what this will do to both kiddos.  He is on a waiting list for a place within MI but according to a recent phone call it could be several months to a year.

 
Sadly, in a stupid move and despite conversation and agreement that no one was to tell D until a placement was secured, the lawyer told him at a court hearing recently.  We were sitting there waiting to go into court when he came back from speaking with the lawyer and was a different kid, devastated, withdrawn, and full to the BRIM with anxiety.  It was with such sad hearts we realized what took place and we began to talk him through it, and hugged him tight as he once again wrestled with the demons inside him telling him he was bad and that he wasn’t wanted.

 
Remember, this is the kiddo that saw his heart on Ultrasound and thought it was black vs red because it was bad. He about crawled off the table in fear until it dawned on me what was taking place. I quickly explained it to the tech who instantly flipped on the color so he could see the red and blue blood his heart was pumping and reassured him he was good, with a good heart with good red blood.


So, weeks later, after being told by the lawyer about having to move placement, he is still struggling in such outright and defiant ways.  When we saw him on Wednesday he hugged and held on like never before, as we left he walked backwards back to the schoolroom watching us get in the car and waving until he had to turn around...we drive away and we cry...and later his feelings and anxiety get the best of him and he acts out again and again...

 
We feared this would be the reaction toward the facility; it is like he is saying, “You are getting rid of me, I can act as bad as I want to.” Unfortunately, it’s so extreme that we are afraid they won’t let him stay there until he can get into the more intensive program. in the past month or so he went from 5th on the wait list to 2nd. Lord, he needs this program!! In the meantime, here we are struggling beyond belief with his brother. A few of you know what has been taking place and we are so thankful for the prayers, understanding, hugs, and most of all the acceptance when we have felt at an all-time low. EXHAUSTING!

 
We have stepped back from life in order to gain some control over what is happening and get the help we need. PCPs, School Principal, Therapist, Case Worker, Adoption Support Network, etc… all pouring over how to help.  Then we interviewed a new therapist, really hoping we found the one to help us.  Today was his first appointment and we were not disappointed – THANK GOD for leading us to this guy!

 
It is SO HARD and we constantly have to be thinking ten steps ahead. There are times we just weep and questions why….but know why.  We are here to help these kids grow to be productive member of society, happy, and loving God and others.  We have been chosen to be on this journey and although at times we feel very lonely, we are never alone. Main two request at this time…

1) D to quickly get into the program he is on the waiting list for. It seems doubtful him getting in will line up with him needing to leave where he is, BUT we serve a God who specializes in the impossible so we plead on his behalf, please intercede with/for us.

2) That A will have a break through with this new therapist.

Okay, one more...

3) We are often emotionally exhausted. The struggles of keeping life going, work going, kiddos from imploding really does a number on a relationship……not even sure how to ask for prayer on that front – but I am sure you get it...

Thank you for your continued interest, encouragement, prayers, love, hugs, good vibes, mojo, etc… there is not a day that passes that we don’t need it all! 

Dexterity...not just for girls anymore!

Tonight I was talking with mom and CJ via FaceTime when I grabbed a hair band and pulled my hair back into a ponytail.  Immediately CJ, always wanting to be like her big sister, got up and went for one of her own hair bands. Next I knew, she too had a ponytail!  I was so surprised that she did that; I thought I had looked away and mom had helped.

Me: “Mom, did she do that on her own?”

Mom: “Yes”

Me: “Wow Mom, that’s so cool, that really takes dexterity!”

Mom: “I know!”

A (butting into the conversation): “What is dexterity?” then sheepishly adds…”Oh, is that something just girls have?”

Me: “Yup!

It's a choice...I choose to BE IT!

We choose to live in a diverse area, we choose to have our kiddo in public school, we choose because we want our family to learn to tear down the walls that separate religions, sexuality, nationalities, genders, classes, and races.

This morning we went to McDonalds – we were the only white people in the place.  While the dining area off to the side was empty, the main dining area was full of middle age to older black men all discussing the election.  I plopped myself down in the midst of them, smiled, and listened.  They had a few things to say about white people and there were a few glances to see if we were okay with this. (Note: just because we are white does not mean we voted a certain way and or that we don’t hold the same concerns).  It felt good to hear them express their concerns as well as resolve to “work together to ‘get through’ the next four years.” 

While I appreciate that at this stage of processing how they are feeling they are understanding that “we can’t change it now”…but I don’t want to “get through, ” I want us to work together and if we want it, we have to BE IT!!  BE THE CHANGE, BE PEACE, BE THE VOICE, BE LOVING, BE UNITED, BE MOTIVATED to make and keep America great!  

One of the men this morning reminded me that people are dying daily trying to get to this land of Freedom….we are here, we are so fortunate! We have so much work to do together – why not start over coffee and an egg mcmuffin??!! This is the HOME of the BRAVE and the LAND of the FREE, and personally,…I’m lovin’ it!

Don't ever forget!

After a particularly challenging evening I took his face in my hand, pushed his glasses up his nose and made him look me in the eyes. I quietly said, "Don't ever, even for a moment, think that i don't love you or that your choices will make me give up on you. You are my son, I love you, don't forget it." I got a little choked up, he quietly nodded and smiled. I hugged him and sent him to bed.

The Resting Place Interview

We are excited to share a video interview we did with a ministry called The Resting Place.  We learned about this ministry at CAFO2016 after hearing Mike and Kristin Berry speak.  When they spoke it was right to our hurting hearts, and a deep feeling of relief that we were not alone.  Later when the opportunity presented itself to The Resting Place we jumped on it.  The classes have been amazing tools for us and the online support group has further given us hope as we’ve met others in similar situations who over the past few month have become friends. We don’t take endorsing things lightly, but if you are struggle with any part of adoption and foster care, we believe these classes and support are well worth the time and investment.

https://confessionsofaparent.leadpages.co/the-resting-place-case-study-beaver-hannah/?mc_cid=ebc36de710&mc_eid=9082d2a2f0

Ode to Tissue

Sadly, i have come to the end of my tissue box, it's been there for me so many times lately...sniffle sniffle!! ;) 

Aggravation with Communication

Avoiding truth and confrontation does not make a matter better nor does it make it go away.  I am direct and expect it from others; to me it is sincere and honest. Why do communications have to be sugar-coated to the point of being evasive, dishonest, & passive aggressive? That type of behavior is ultimately paralyzing! Be real, don’t say yes if you want to say no and have no plan to keep your commitment, don’t nod in agreement if you do not agree, and for pity sake don't be nice to someone's face and then slam them behind their back.

What happened to healthy dialogue or even debate and mutual respect despite differences of opinions?

This culture of “nice”, is a tough pill to swallow!  For me it makes me feel like I am doing something wrong when I am direct and honest; I feel frowned upon, disobedient, misunderstood,...and it feels duplicitous! Despite understanding this gap, I question myself and it doesn’t feel good. I believe in people being able to express themselves respectfully and directly without it being taken by others as recalcitrance, obstinance, or as a personal insult. If you cannot take it, if direct feels critical, then feel free not to use it to learn or to improve yourself, feel free to continue to tip your nose and move on, but know that you don’t win, you don’t grow, and I probably don’t like you!

#Nice #IsNotAlwaysNice

Not quite off the soapbox yet…

People are real with real feelings and real thoughts, and they have the freedom of expression (albeit it should be respectful and kind).  These feeling and thoughts may not fit in with yours, too bad, it takes all kinds of people to make this world go ‘round and to keep things interesting.

Hmph!

Remembering

Where were you 15 years ago today? I was sitting in class in Nursing School next to my dear friend, Tarah, in upstate New York, when they came to dismiss us. It was a scary and sad drive home, no one knew for sure what was happening and then it came on the radio that there was a second plane...I knew it was miles away but I felt almost it was over my head. My cell wasn't getting through to anyone, there were so many calls they were overloaded.

At home, Dad, Mom and I were glued to the TV screen watching in horror and disbelief. Crying and feeling heavy and numb with dread.

Today, I am remembering and praying for those affected by the tragic events of 9/11, which I think is pretty much everyone in the USA, in some way.  We lost our complete sense of security that day, at least I did.  At the same time I remember how grateful and blessed we are to be living here in the US. Some people live in such fear, fear that we truly have never known, and I hope to God never will.

I'm proud of our country, and our resilience!

Although we often fail You, please God, guide and Bless America.

D

Folks have been asking about what happened to the "other boy," but did not want to ask. I have to admit, I'd heard it for a while before I decided to share...it's been so tough all around that it felt too heavy to type out. But truth is we need "our village" to know. We need your prayers for D, for our family, and for us as a couple.

D is still in a facility a couple hours away getting the help he needs to eventually be safe in our home/community. We see him twice a month and the visits are typically quite positive. We do a family therapy session and then visit for a few hours. Sometimes we get to leave campus with him but most of the time behaviors dictate that it's best to stay there.

The facility has decided that they are not able to keep him there anymore due to an increase in behaviors. So, his caseworker is working on moving him. Thankfully, they have allowed us to continue to be very involved.

Today there was a Supreme Court Foster Care Review Board hearing. We learned of it less than 24 hours before it took place, so there was some scrambling to get our ducks in a row but we are so glad we made it. We needed to fiercely advocate for him.  Sometimes it's hard when you steps on toes or speak out against what's taking place, but it's the right thing and it's what he needs us to do for him!  These people, especially, need to hear the truth of what is taking place and what SHOULD be taking place! We've have learned a lot through this and have found the voice he needs us to have for him! Anyway, it went well, very well actually!

It's overwhelming because right now there are just no great answers and things are so up in the air.... Where does he go? How do we reach him? How do we get the right help he needs when the system is so dysfunctional?? I wish I had the time or energy to describe some of the craziness taking place...

At the end, we were spent. They could see it... then one of the Reviewers told us how he'd been in the back of the court room last time we were there for a hearing. Another Reviewer piped in, "this is verbatim, he took notes!" He recounted how the judge had spoken to D and asked him if there was anything he wanted to say and how D said, "I just want everyone to know I love my Mom and Dad and my brother and I want to get better so I can go home to live with them and our dogs."

"He turned to you", said the reviewer said, "he was talking to you, you are, in his eyes, already his parents. Keep doing what you are doing, you're doing great!"

We cried.

After the hearing I took out my phone, like proud momma and showed them pictures of D, Our Boy, not just a case file. They crowded around and enjoyed each picture!

So, for those who wonder...he is still in our lives...and we are still fighting for him!

Pray he gets into a local facility, there is one in particular we have hopes for, pray he get in there!! Otherwise we are likely looking at placement out of state.  Thank you,  friends!! 

The hardest part of visits...the good-byes...this was especially hard because at this visit we told him about A's adoption finalization...he knew it was going to happen, but hearing it was tough for him...for all of us. Not a pretty ride home...but that is a whole other blog post!

Our Vacation...(spoof)

Today we went on a tropical vacation...of sorts...!

We saw beautiful flowers.

Had a cute cabin on the green

We basked in the sun

Rented matching convertibles

We were so in tune with one another

Relaxed by a babbling brook and waterfall 

We witnessed a geyser!

And had a celebrity photo shoot!

We had a ball!!!...

And a club.

Until next time, Craig's Cruisers...its been real! 

Pop Quiz

Total Recall

I read about a meat recall today and it made me so sad.


This may sounds crazy but I have a hard time with eating animals. Yet, I am open minded enough to realize God has allowed for them to provide food for us. So although in not going to hunt for it kill anything I am okay with other doing tis as a means of provision.


However, I am very saddened when there are meat recalls due to bacteria or other contaminates.

I feel strong that these animals are giving their lives for us, for nourishment to sustain life. So, we need to be good stewards of their sacrifice.

Don't be wasteful!

!!Nerd Alert!!

So, if you know me at all, you know I'm a nerd! I LOVE education and access to information! It geeks me out that my workplace has a library and I have access to librarians who can help me research all kind of fun stuff!!! 

So, here I am to encourage you, utilize your local library! Learn and grow, for free!!! 

I know...we don't all have time to be running to the library! Well, that's okay  your local library likely has an online program.

Grand Rapids Public Library has an amazing array of online resources. I was just telling someone a few hours ago about the apps and thought I'd share this in my blog just in case some are not aware of how amazingly rich of a resource your library card is these days!!

(Picture I took a couple weeks ago of our beautiful GRPL!)

As a kid I LOVED the library, mostly for the books, but also for the tarantulas and snakes that lived there! I remember the day I was old enough to get my very own library card. It was yellow card stock versus today's plastic with a barcode. The card changed, but not me, I'm still proud to be a library card holder!!! (Hey, no puking noises or snickers...I gave fair warning of this type of talk in the blog's title!) 

Growing up our family utilized the library, a lot! In fact my mom would check-out (sorry to give your secrets away mom) our living room art pieces! We always had fantastic art on our walls from the library! 

Fast forward to today. Although nothing beats the feel and smell of being in the library we often now turn to the online resources GRPL.org offers. This includes access to many databases much of which are provided by Michigan eLibrary which is funded by a grant for the State of Michigan! Cool! 

Lots of research and lots of books, both audio and electronic. If it's checked out, that's okay, put a hold on it and they'll shoot you an email when it's ready! When your time is up, it just disappears off your device and checks itself back into the library! NO LATE FEES!! 

So, there's an app for that! A few actually, the main one is the Overlook app. There are a few additional ones that GRPL partners with. Two that I use: Hoopla and Zinio.  

Hoopla does music, books (e-books and audio-books), and movies. Our library allows 7 free "rentals" per month. Since we each have a library card, that's 21 between us! And there is a Kid Mode setting, yay! You can stream or download. We download audiobooks and all listen as we drive to visit D!

Zinio is for reading magazines. Any magazine your library subscribes to, you can check-it-out and flip through it in your device at your leisure!  I don't use it incredibly much, but I sure would if I had more time!  (Download a few before a long car ride!!) 

Beyond books, GRPL also loans out passes to places like the children's museum and even cooler, you can borrow a bicycle from some branches! Awesome!!!

On FB you see this clan doing some fun things like, origami, cooking classes, Tai Chi in the park,  soda Geysers, etc.... Guess what???!!! It is ALL through the library and it is ALL FREE!!!

Okay and one last nerdy confession... one of my favorite fun library things to do in college was to challenge my friends to a contest to find the funniest book combos. You get 10 minutes and you have to strategically pick 10-12 books and put them on the table in stack of 2 or 3 so that as you read the titles they flow and are hilarious. The funniest combo wins! Careful though, this could lead to belly laughs, snorting, and getting the evil eye from the Library Nazi on duty! 

So, lots to do and no time to waste!! Go ahead, check it out (get it?!!)!! 

Finally!

We got great news today!! A court date for the finalization of the adoption! Whoot whoot!! 

We told A tonight and he was pretty happy!!