A quote I saw a while back read, "I love when people who go through hell walk out of the flames with buckets of water for those still consumed by the fire." In my mind I immediately thought of a couple people who have carried buckets for us!
The more I thought about it, others came to mind that, those in our ‘village’ that, although they may not have been through this fire, they were doing what could to understand and walk along side of us; they too were carrying buckets. This is when the analogy of a Bucket Brigade came to mind!
The online dictionary defines Bucket Brigade as, "a line of people who pass buckets of water from one to another to put out a fire." I read further and learned that Bucket Brigades were started before there were trained fireman and the community belief that "putting out fires was everyone's job!" Everyone in the community/village came together to help.
You can probably envision it, families bringing whatever buckets they had, men and boys forming lines, passing the buckets shouts of over here we need more water over here. The women doing head counts, tending to injuries, and supporting those in the midst of shock and loss, all whilst heaving silent earnest prayers for safety to the heavens.
It is a picture of the church, everyone doing their part. Let me tell you, boy do we need the support of the church. Sadly, the church has not quite ‘arrived’ in their support of Adoptive and Foster families, but the good news is, it is starting! We have seen churches across the country being called to action to do their part as the Body of Christ to support orphan care.
Seriously, God knew the importance of caring for the orphans, we see that in the Bible’s command to care for the orphans and widows. Note: it's not a suggestion. That doesn't mean y'all need to run out, get a home study, and start taking in kids. I honestly don't believe that is everyone's calling, but explore it, don't hide behind "it's not my calling."
What is your calling? How are you being called to support the church in orphan care?
It could be as simple as picking up and doing a few loads of laundry from an Adoptive/Foster or dropping off a frozen dinner, ordering a pizza, prayer and encouragement. Someone dropped off a treat to us one night, one of the best tasting breads we’ve had ever – because it showed someone knew, and we were not alone during a very lonely time. We cried as we savored it!
What can you do? Well, I am not sure what you have been called to do but here are some of my thoughts as to the needs us Foster/Adoptive Parents have. Please note: I'm not saying for us, this isn’t a “help us” blog, it is a "call to action on behalf of others" blog!
I'm talking about people in your church, neighborhood, or social circle. Here's a baker’s dozen (or so) of what we've learned...
1. Provide a meal, could be as simple as having a pizza delivered or dropping off a casserole or a candy bar, or a gift card they can use when the crap really hits the fan or when the things settle down, either way!
2. Listen without judgment; if we open up it's hard to hear "oh that's typical (state age) behavior!" Yup, it just might be...but while typically you see stages of behaviors we are likely dealing with all of them all at once, most of which are not age appropriate and or go on for days or weeks on end without a break. It's okay, we do know how odd it is and plus we can't always share the "behind the scenes" info, so it's not easy to grasp unless you live it or see it a lot. That's why when it happens we imperceptibly withdraw, smile and nod.
3. Understand, we don't tell everyone everything, it's for the protection of our kiddos and for the future success we are working so hard towards!
Adoptive/Foster Parents: this is how we handle sharing information: The Book analogy – now this is not mine, I cannot remember where I read about this, but loved and adopted it! Think about a book on a shelf and peoples interactions with the book: a. some don’t even notice it is there b. some glance at the cover c. others read the cover d. others pick up the book and ready back e. others open the front cover and take a look inside f….and so it continues to those who are engaged in reading the book! The people asking you questions – are they front cover people? Or back of the book? Or are they the engaged reader or somewhere else on the continuum? This is the gauge we use. But also note: as the author/owner you reserve the right to provide as much as little information despite the level of engagement with ‘the book.’ Use good judgement, once words are shared – they are out there. You are doing great, you are loved, and I want to thank you for making a difference, I know it’s hard – be sure to reach out! HUGS!
4. Pray
5. Don't blame the Foster/Adoptive parent with statements like, "Oh but he/she was so good for me!" or “He is just so polite and nice.” Yup! The child may be a gem in public (initially) and an absolute devil at home. It is called "superficial attachment" and it is all part of their survival. Often, they don't even understand it themselves, but we get it (now), it's fear and we are probably working hard in it! To hear words like the above are initially very defeating. Once we've been at it for a while we learn to just smile and say things like, "oh good! I'm glad." Or just snort out a laugh and feverishly attempt to keep our eyes from rolling...depends on where we are at that day, quite honestly! You see a mom struggling? Don't assume she asked for it by not adhering to a schedule or spoiling the child. These kiddos act out in all kinds of crazy ways! Know that we didn't ask for this, these RAD issues are certainly not what we "signed up for," but here we are...learning and trying and likely we are exhausted 😩
Pause: Before you get offended if you don't like that I'm giving suggestions, then don't read it. Or if your own eyes are rolling and you are thinking, we are just trying and you foster/adoptive moms are so sensitive! Step back and take time to recognize that I am writing FROM what I've learned personally and FOR people who want to know. I'm not aiming to talk down to anyone or blame anyone for not knowing Adoptive/Foster Care norms.
After all, this stuff isn't second nature, in fact it's not natural at all. Children were not meant to orphaned or adopted; they were meant to stay with their families. So it's okay that you don't know or if you've done some of these things yourself....I sure have!! We are all still learning and part of that learning is being open to share the lessons we learned as well as being open minded to learn. Again, this isn't normal; it wasn't God's perfect plan. We are just trying to do what we can because children belong in families!!
6. Okay, where were we? Oh, here’s a good one: Please don't give gifts or sweets to our kids without prior permission (hang on, I know it sounds crazy!). I was the Aunty that loved spoiling kiddos, it was my job right?! But these kiddos have different needs and a big one is to learn to attach. This is largely accomplished through learning to trust their Foster/Adoptive parents. Trust that we will meet their needs in all aspects. They are already great at charming others, accepting presents, and forming superficial bonds to get people to meet their need without having to trust and attach. This developed manipulative unhealthy behaviors as they grow. It is best for adoptive family to be seen as providers for all needs food, treats, presents, clothing et al.! It's a tough one, we get it feel free to ask questions we are happy to explain more if needed.
7. In the same vein, please don’t expect our kids to engage with you. They've likely been through hell and now you want them to greet you, make eye contact and/or know or remember other social norms. Well, I am here to tell you that the truth is, they're likely trying their hardest just to not come completely unglued. Give them space, say hello so they know you care but keep moving, they've suffered losses you likely can't even begin to imagine, allow them plenty of non-judgmental space to adjust. And please, at the risk of sounding like our kids are in a zoo, DO NOT TOUCH the Children! A) our kiddos do not interpret touch the way you think they might and that is for us and the counselors to work through with them and B) part of helping them learn how to build an attachment is that we are the ones they turn to for hugs, encouragement, comforting, or safety.
8. Educate yourself, nothing shows support like doing some homework! Talk to parents (when kids aren’t around), read a book, a few articles, or blogs like this one 😃! Just kidding I will list some great blogs for you to check out:
http://confessionsofanadoptiveparent.com/
http://marybethchapman.com/bloggin_in_the_/
9. Everyone has a journey and we are each called to handle different things. Just because the cops were here three days in a row and we have bruises and house damage to prove the kiddo had BIG feelings doesn't mean you can't share your less volatile struggles. It doesn't make us better or more in need of support. In fact, we want to support you and share in your journey too!
10. Little things mean a great deal! A flower from a garden, a note, a hug, a text...like anyone else struggling, knowing that we are loved and supported doesn't have to be any grand gesture. Don't worry we won't ask you to babysit…well we might try it, but at least we understand when you take off running in the opposite direction! Lol!
11. My kiddos are not lucky to have us! They come from brokenness and are broken. They don't see us as "amazing people who are taking them in" honestly, they aren't grateful at all! They are often angry and entitled. They are mourning losses and nursing wounds we can't imagine. They aren't lucky to have us, they are devastated that something so unnatural has occurred and now they have to adjust to their trauma amidst the norms of a family they weren't naturally meant for.
12. If you're still here...thank you! ❤It's often lonely and isolating until you learn you have to reach out or you'll simply implode and even then it isn't easy. It is not easy because we suddenly are faced with all these unknowns and on top of it we are experiencing secondary trauma now ourselves so we don't even know how to respond, our friends don't either, and suddenly you're even more alone...and your life is so changed. Then the fog clears…
Yes, the fog lifts for an instant and THERE IT IS…our village, and they have buckets, even some of the back of the bookers are there with buckets – it is Our Bucket Brigade! Some are doing the heavy lifting with us, others are tending our wounds, others are readying meals, and others are praying and whispering words of encouragement that reach in and touch our heart and remind us again that we are not alone.
Some of these are hard to explain.
Again I'm not talking down to anyone it's just that if you haven't been here it's hard to take in, that's okay. Use what you can and thank you for trying and learning and loving!! Please ask questions we want to share what we can. Some Foster/Adoptive Parents might be back a bit where we were about a year or so ago - - not sure how to even talk about it…what to share, where to start, who to trust…please start gathering buckets for them be the first on scene!
I fear a little bit that it will seem like I'm either being dramatic or looking for sympathy and that sure is not the case. Just trying to share some things I've learned in hope it helps you relate to others or for those in the midst of this, I hope it helps normalize, a bit, what you are going through!
I want to say thank you! If you've supplied a bucket, filled a bucket, passed a bucket, carried a bucket, or emptied a bucket, for us or anyone else - thank you!
❤🐟❤
