Gotcha?!?!

Sometimes it hits me that you are not here…I cleaned the shower and moved your Raphael TMNT soap to the other side and then back….thinking later how odd that was that it’s been 9 months and your soap is still in the shower, some of your toys still in the living room.  Your dresser is full of clothes that I put away for you, I am sure they no longer fit but I don’t want you to have an empty dresser – I don’t want you to feel we’ve gotten rid of your things.  Today I put your TMNT costume on the steps to go up to your room and found myself singing, “Turtle in a half shell, Turtle Power!” It’s odd that you are not here…yet I guess it still feels like you are in some respects, we talk about you a lot and we rehash fun/funny memories and talk through some hurtful ones too, I have so much hope for you to come home…but honestly, I am also trying to be reality based - this might not happen.  As the Judge put it, “ we might need to think outside the box as to what a family/home looks like for him.”  Today is the 2^ndAnnual Gotcha Day – but in reality – we don’t gotcha…not really and that makes me sad for us, for me, but also for you – you didn’t ask to be broken.

I Surrender All

We sang "I Surrender All" in church this morning. I was transported back to First Baptist in Rhode Island and could imagine my Gram there next to me and could hear her singing. Brought tears to my eyes.

1
All to Jesus I surrender,
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.
 
Chorus
I surrender all,
  I surrender all.
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
    I surrender all.

2
All to Jesus I surrender,
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.

3
All to Jesus I surrender,
Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
Let me feel Thy Holy Spirit,
Truly know that Thou art mine.

4
All to Jesus I surrender,
Lord, I give myself to Thee;
Fill me with Thy love and power,
Let Thy blessing fall on me.

5
All to Jesus I surrender,
Now I feel the sacred flame.
Oh, the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory to His name!

Court

Thank you!! Court went very well. The judge was amazing. Very emotional time. Phew, who knew two years ago that all this would take place?

The verdict is that D will not becoming home as soon as we hoped and planning overnight visits at home are on hold; until safety can be more certain. Tough pills to swallow thinking about this kiddo still being out of the home but wanting so badly to be home with us and his brother; his family!

We will start overnight visits closer to where he is located and start small where we will check into "the only hotel" in the town, staff will drop him off...pool, pizza and they will pick him up after breakfast the next day. We will see how these types of visits go and work towards longer visits and eventually home visits.

Here is a picture of the boys finding their names in the court docket.

A cool thing that happened today was that another agency heard about us and what we are going through and sent us a $50 gas card, that was so awesome. We don't happen to have this particular gas station around here so anyone in Detroit wanting to purchase a Valero gas card, let us know, we'll trade for speedway or westco :)!!

It was again, tough saying goodbye. I hugged him close and whispered to him, as I usually do:

"D, I love you so much and I pray for you lots and lots! You are such a special boy, never forget how many people love you and the best of all Jesus loves you! Even when you make poor choices, we will love you even though that's probably hard to believe. But we never stop loving you because you are a good boy and so special to us!"

He says, "I love you too, thank you!"

At this point I let go and try to keep it together. We walk him to the van, then another round of  hugs and I love you's...and we watch them drive away with a piece of our hearts. :(

Thank you for you live, support, thoughts, and prayer!!

XO, me

Birthday.

Warning: I'm sad and it's gonna be "rambly"...

Yup, as of last week, we now know how much it sucks when you can't be with your kiddo to celebrate his birthday; so he know we love him and that he is special. I made him a picture collage and faxed it to him! 

Then, it made it easier that our families were there...well, via conference call! How exciting that Uncles, Aunts, Grandmothers, and cousins all on the phone. New York, Rhode Island, and Michigan were represented! It was the most glorious and off key rendition of HAPPY BIRTHDAY I've ever witnessed!

It choked me up to think about how many people love this kiddo and I hope that message sunk in!

He seemed to enjoy that everyone was on the phone, it was a little confusing too and he really wanted to talk about presents. Many kids in foster care come with this drive to get things when really what the need is people who love them, consistency, and quality time spent.

With this knowledge we really try to downplay gifting (for every occasion). We've seen some adaptation to this...but it also almost a survival technique and "you show me you love be by how much you buy me!" So it is a slow process.

Also kiddos with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) need to understand that their caregiver/adoptive parents meet their needs. So especially in the beginning we were with them everywhere for the first few months. Later when others took our kiddo(s) out we would pay and be sure they knew it. If people gave us clothes we talk about how we went and got them for them, etc... This was necessary to help them learn to trust us, that we were taking care of each of their needs their needs. To help them learn to bond and form attachments.

RAD kids seems so friendly. It's a survival technique. Ready? It's gonna sound harsh...I now it's hard to hear but, they don't care about you, that is why they were charming and friendly. It's a form of manipulation to get what they can. When they start to care and recognize that they are caring it feels unsafe...so they war against it. That the hardest part and what's tougher is that's the time you have to love them the most and be the most consistent.

It is a whole new and necessary way of thinking...people don't always get it but that's okay. We have to parents our kids differently and we are no longer apologizing for it. We have to do what is best as we have a finite time to work with them and teach them. Our goal is to help them to be independent, productive,  and successful adults.

See got off on a ramble...

Anyway, I'm sad tonight because our kiddo made some really poor choices and it has changed the birthday celebration plan. We would just love to go on through with it for him but oh man...it would send the worst message!! He took this hard and hung up on us. So heartbreaking.

So, we have court tomorrow and will belatedly be celebrating his special day, in one of the courthouse conference rooms where his therapist can be there too for everyone's safety. 

We can't not celebrate at all because he is a great kiddo and we LOVE that boy so much!! We want him to know that his birth is something to celebrate!! 

Hoping it is a special time and knows on some level how much we love and care for him!

It didn't even smell good!

I am pretty sure this kinda stuff only happens to me! Just call me Grace!

While Beav and I were waiting for it to be closer to the time for the movie, we strolled the mall. I went into Victoria Secret, hoping to find a certain body spray that I can't seem to find anymore. Again, not there. I thought "oh this glittery one is pretty" and went to spray the tester in the air to smell it.

Something was wrong with the sprayer and a jet stream of glittery perfume shot right into my eyes. Holy smokes!! My eyes burned so badly I could not open them.

At first I thought, I need to find Beave to help. Well, I literally could not open my eyes unless I pried them open. So, I quickly realized I'd better not try to walk around. I turned toward the wall (I think) trying to act naturally, and called for him.

Despite my resolve to "act naturally" he recognized that I was in distress and came right over. There were no words...he just knew what I'd done.

At this point I'm feeling hysterics coming on and am trying to keep it together. But the pain, the fact that my eyes were tearing like a faucet and the fact that Beav has to take me by the arm and lead me out of the store were just too much, I laughed and laughed!

Sitting in the middle of the mall on a couch, laughing/in pain/with tears streaming down my face. Still could not open my eyes despite my attempts, must have been an eye defense mechanism!?!

Now Beav starts trying to take pictures of me, I can't see him to swat him for it!

All I could think of was if there is a video camera in Victoria Secret, they should send it to America's Funniest Videos...

Spray, gasp, pain, "Beaver", led out of store, shaking with laughter, glittery tears, oh my!

Baseball Motivation

A joined the Inner City Youth Baseball team today!! He is really not into sports so we were really surprised when he came home and excitedly told us of his desire to join the team.

Later we learned his motivation, free uniform, bat and glove! 😀

We had a chat about what it means to be on a team and the responsibility of doing your best, going to practice, and being fully present.

He was still all in, so today we went and signed him up! He said afterwards, "I actually had fun! I'm not one of the better players but I'm not the worst! 

Lol, three cheers for not being the worst!!!

He also said, "I must have misunderstood, because they didn't give me a uniform." We explained that comes at week four, so people show commitment first. "Oh, okay!" 

It's actually a really nice program organized through the YMCA if anyone has interested kiddos. It's supported by local donors including The West Michigan Whitecaps, Meijer, and The Mitten Brewery.

This is will be so good for him, fun times ahead!!

#HipHipHooray! #BringOnTheUniform #PlayBall

Fun Day

Oh my gosh, so much fun today!! We went to this park for lunch and a walk then played on the playground. Some kids asked our boys to spin them on the merry-go-round and kept demanding the boy go faster. At one point the one little bit told A that he was going to "beat him up" if he didn't spin them. A was doing his best, huffing and puffing and spinning; such a good sport and so patient! But when the "I'm gonna beat you up" threat happened he just laughed incredulously and looked at us for assistance! These kids were so forward, we all just started laughing! Then started cheering A on! "you can do it!! Faster!!" He kept mouthing, "HELP ME!!" 😀  Anyway, it was a good time.

Then the kids left and I spun the boys, they were then cheering me on and whooping it up! "Our mom can run fast!"

Then we played frisbee.

Seeing the boys together really showed us the strides A is making!! It was really eye opening and exciting. He recognized when his brother was deregulated or inappropriate and instead of jumping into the mix he would allow us to take over and work through it with D. He kindly tried redirecting but easily recognized when it wasn't effective he didn't push it be stepped back and let it play out with us taking over.

When he was alone with us, we really praised him and acknowledged his efforts and validated that we understood it wasn't easy but how great he was doing. He was proud!


A told Us that he'd brought along the McDonald's gift card he won at school. He said he'd like to buy he and D a flurry and a toy. He added that, "whatever is left you and Mom can split!"

Us: PARTY TIME!!! 🎉 We each got 4¢ to spend on "whatever we want!"!!! Ha!

Austin: 🙄

Us: It's the thought that counts!!

It was very sweet of him! We were so proud of him and these amazing strides he's making!! Thank you, Lord!

It was a sad little crew who said our "until next time" & "I love yous." 

But as always, thankful for the time!! 

I'm posting pictures I took on our walk, it was so pretty there!