Yup, as of last week, we now know how much it sucks when you can't be with your kiddo to celebrate his birthday; so he know we love him and that he is special. I made him a picture collage and faxed it to him!
Then, it made it easier that our families were there...well, via conference call! How exciting that Uncles, Aunts, Grandmothers, and cousins all on the phone. New York, Rhode Island, and Michigan were represented! It was the most glorious and off key rendition of HAPPY BIRTHDAY I've ever witnessed!
It choked me up to think about how many people love this kiddo and I hope that message sunk in!
He seemed to enjoy that everyone was on the phone, it was a little confusing too and he really wanted to talk about presents. Many kids in foster care come with this drive to get things when really what the need is people who love them, consistency, and quality time spent.
With this knowledge we really try to downplay gifting (for every occasion). We've seen some adaptation to this...but it also almost a survival technique and "you show me you love be by how much you buy me!" So it is a slow process.
Also kiddos with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) need to understand that their caregiver/adoptive parents meet their needs. So especially in the beginning we were with them everywhere for the first few months. Later when others took our kiddo(s) out we would pay and be sure they knew it. If people gave us clothes we talk about how we went and got them for them, etc... This was necessary to help them learn to trust us, that we were taking care of each of their needs their needs. To help them learn to bond and form attachments.
RAD kids seems so friendly. It's a survival technique. Ready? It's gonna sound harsh...I now it's hard to hear but, they don't care about you, that is why they were charming and friendly. It's a form of manipulation to get what they can. When they start to care and recognize that they are caring it feels unsafe...so they war against it. That the hardest part and what's tougher is that's the time you have to love them the most and be the most consistent.
It is a whole new and necessary way of thinking...people don't always get it but that's okay. We have to parents our kids differently and we are no longer apologizing for it. We have to do what is best as we have a finite time to work with them and teach them. Our goal is to help them to be independent, productive, and successful adults.
See got off on a ramble...
Anyway, I'm sad tonight because our kiddo made some really poor choices and it has changed the birthday celebration plan. We would just love to go on through with it for him but oh man...it would send the worst message!! He took this hard and hung up on us. So heartbreaking.
So, we have court tomorrow and will belatedly be celebrating his special day, in one of the courthouse conference rooms where his therapist can be there too for everyone's safety.
It choked me up to think about how many people love this kiddo and I hope that message sunk in!
He seemed to enjoy that everyone was on the phone, it was a little confusing too and he really wanted to talk about presents. Many kids in foster care come with this drive to get things when really what the need is people who love them, consistency, and quality time spent.
With this knowledge we really try to downplay gifting (for every occasion). We've seen some adaptation to this...but it also almost a survival technique and "you show me you love be by how much you buy me!" So it is a slow process.
Also kiddos with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) need to understand that their caregiver/adoptive parents meet their needs. So especially in the beginning we were with them everywhere for the first few months. Later when others took our kiddo(s) out we would pay and be sure they knew it. If people gave us clothes we talk about how we went and got them for them, etc... This was necessary to help them learn to trust us, that we were taking care of each of their needs their needs. To help them learn to bond and form attachments.
RAD kids seems so friendly. It's a survival technique. Ready? It's gonna sound harsh...I now it's hard to hear but, they don't care about you, that is why they were charming and friendly. It's a form of manipulation to get what they can. When they start to care and recognize that they are caring it feels unsafe...so they war against it. That the hardest part and what's tougher is that's the time you have to love them the most and be the most consistent.
It is a whole new and necessary way of thinking...people don't always get it but that's okay. We have to parents our kids differently and we are no longer apologizing for it. We have to do what is best as we have a finite time to work with them and teach them. Our goal is to help them to be independent, productive, and successful adults.
See got off on a ramble...
Anyway, I'm sad tonight because our kiddo made some really poor choices and it has changed the birthday celebration plan. We would just love to go on through with it for him but oh man...it would send the worst message!! He took this hard and hung up on us. So heartbreaking.
So, we have court tomorrow and will belatedly be celebrating his special day, in one of the courthouse conference rooms where his therapist can be there too for everyone's safety.
We can't not celebrate at all because he is a great kiddo and we LOVE that boy so much!! We want him to know that his birth is something to celebrate!!
Hoping it is a special time and knows on some level how much we love and care for him!
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