We had fun, it felt good...more complete.
As I drive away I wonder...will it get easier to walk to the car...will it get easier to get in the car...will it always be this hard to drive away and leave a piece of our puzzle behind?
A few miles down the road as I pull into the gas station to get a soda for the drive home I turn the car off and silently wish everyone would just go in and leave me alone so I can sit here and cry.
I want to cry loud and shed the big tears that I'm struggling to hold back. I want to put my head down on the steering wheel and let it go so this ache in my throat eases and my eyes stop burning...and my heart stops breaking.
Back in the car silent tears flow; it's odd how they only roll down the left cheek and I'm glad because they go unnoticed and I don't have to acknowledge aloud that I'm....what am I???
...sad? ...hurting? ...Grieving!
Grieving for each dark shirted boy in that space...I see longing and I feel longing. I want to envelope each of them in a warm "goodnight and know that somebody loves you" hug. I smile as warmly as I can and remain in my space as they emit small timid wary smiles and hellos. Then I wonder about their stories...why?...what?...who?...WHY?!!! I grieve for what should have been for each of them and for what might be...I quickly and silently lift them up to The Father as I look upon their faces and the song He Knows, by Jeremy Camp, comes to mind. I'm so glad He knows!
Then I call back over the one face whose story I do know for one more hug and another I love you! I want the love we feel for him to sink in and seal the gaps and cracks that others have created.
He's not embarrassed that I hug him and say, "one more hug for your momma, kiddo, I love you!" Although I know it's love that terrifies him the most, he hugs back...I also know it is love he longs for the most. He doesn't yet understand or trust love but he says, "I love you too."
Then there he is walking away, back into this new part of his journey...separate from us...and I grieve anew.
I think to myself, as I drive, "I'll call him Link because I feel like he's our missing piece! We feel more whole when he's there." Which leads me to wonder if I should call him Abraham Lincoln...and just call him Linc for short....sometimes I think I'm ADD...squirrel...!
I ask to turn on a story I've downloaded thinking this will distract me and the ache will lessen...but the consensus seems to be that we listen to music instead...so I throw myself into that switching between 70's on 7 through to 90's in 9...singing along thankful for our free trial of satellite that get me from there to here.
It helps.
Everyone, including myself, says this is best...but it's just so hard which bring me to wonder...will it get any easier? Do I even want it to?
"He Knows" - Jeremy Camp
All the bitter weary ways
Endless striving day by day
You barely have the strength to pray
In the valley low
And how hard your fight has been
How deep the pain within
Wounds that no one else has seen
Hurts too much to show
All the doubt you're standing in between
And all the weight that brings you to your knees
[Chorus:]
He knows
He knows
Every hurt and every sting
He has walked the suffering
He knows
He knows
Let your burdens come undone
Lift your eyes up to the one
Who knows
He knows
He knows
We may faint and we may sink
Feel the pain and near the brink
But the dark begins to shrink
When you find the one who knows
The chains of doubt that held you in between
one by one are starting to break free
[Chorus]
Every time you feel forsaken
Every time that you feel alone
He is near to the brokenhearted
Every tear
He knows
He knows
[Chorus]
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