Two weeks from today!

Two weeks from today I get to meet my boys for the first time. I get asked two questions, 1) are you excited? 2) are you nervous?. The answer to each questions is YES and NO.  I tried to analyze my feelings today.  

Yes! I am super excited, it all seems so surreal and I just want to see them, to know that they know we want them in our lives forever!!!  

No. I feel some reservation. What holds me back from being over the moon, jump up and down excited?  Other than that type of demonstration is not typically for me, I am scared.  I keep waiting for the something to fall through.  This has been a long grueling process and I am fearful of further heartbreak.

How do I deal with that?  Trust.  Trust in a God who wants the best for these boys and loves them even more that I even will and trust in that same God who loves me more than I can imagine and will carry me through the heartbreak should that be in the plan. 

Am I nervous?

Yes, I am a little nervous when I stop to think about how I want to grab them up in a big hug or I fear I might just cry - those things make me nervous.  These are 9 and 11 year old boys - hugs might now be cool, especially from a stranger! :)  

No. My first thought about meeting them is not a nervous thought or feeling. I do not worry about them liking me - I mean WHO COULD RESIST, LOL!!  Just teasing!!  But seriously, I don’t feel concerned that they will reject us, they need and want parents and we are going to be FUN ones to have!  Although there will be rules and boundaries, I just think they will find freedom, love, and acceptance with us that they long for and need.  Will they maybe know that right away?  No! I am expecting that they will need to learn trust in us and it might be a slow painful process.

How do I deal with that? Trust.  Trust in the God who is father to the fatherless, the One who strengthen us as new parents, who will bring people into our lives to encourage, inspire, and teach us when we struggle or become discouraged. I trust He will use us to speak truth into these precious lives and that some day they will know and understand our love for them and feel secure enough to love back!

Tonight I made their picture my background picture on my laptop. I makes me smile, then it overwhelmes me with emotion and I feel my throat tighten, my nose burn, and my eyes fill with tears.  Hello sons, how amazing it feels to think I will be your mom!  I love you already and two weeks seems so far away!