Snailmates! Love at 0.03 mph

 

There are a lot of serious things happening in the world.

This is not one of them.

Let me tell you about the time (today) when I became a snail matchmaker.

Britt and I each have large home tank but also a little fish tank in our offices at work—because apparently we can’t go anywhere without building a tiny ecosystem.

One of my Mystery Snails laid a clutch in one of my home tanks (clutch that’s snail-speak for a gooey pile of eggs), and after some expert FB advice, several YouTube’s on incubating and zero emotional preparation, I ended up successfully hatching them….twenty-five…and counting baby snails. I mean, I could start my very own TLC show! 

What started as what I thought was “just one survivor” turned into a full-blown —a booming colony of slow-moving, algae-scraping freeloaders.

Meanwhile, Britt’s giant mystery snail, at work, has been laying unfertilized clutches like clockwork. Girl was out here working overtime—with nothing to show for it.

So naturally, I decide if we’re getting eggs we need more babies! So, I did what any rational, reasonable, and responsible adult would do, I transported my male snail to work in a Panera cup.

Yes. A Panera cup.

Because what screams “romantic gesture” more than being delivered,  for some SNEXY-time, in a container formerly filled with ice tea?

Anyway, I introduced him to Britt’s love-starved snail, and named them Sheldon and Shelldonna. It took them half a day to find each other—which I think was actually super fast in snail-time! And once they did?

Magic.

There they are under a leaf, and I’m telling you, it was the most awkwardly beautiful love scene you’ve ever seen. I told Britt to cue the mood lighting, so we turned on the tank’s color-changing feature. Then I made her play Barry White but even better she come up with….“Let’s Get It On.”

And I took a video.

Because what is snail intimacy if not meant to be shared on TikTok?!! lol! 

To honor this sacred moment, I hung a sign on her tank that read:

DO NOT DISTURB

Mystery Snail Love in Progress.

Please respect the privacy of Sheldon & Shelldonna

as they embark on their underwater honeymoon.

Mood lighting active.

Romantic playlist engaged.

Panera cup origins: classified.

#SnailLove

We cackled. We think we are hilarious! And we are so proud that we will soon be grandparents!!! 

I don’t know what the baby count will be, but if we’re judging by technique…let’s just say Britt better start prepping her own nursery tank.

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So yeah. The world is a lot.

But sometimes in the middle of all the stress, heartache, and unread emails, you get to witness something ridiculous and beautiful—like two snails finding each other under a leaf.

And in that moment, nothing else matters.

Slow down. Laugh often.

And remember:

Love always finds a way… even if it takes all day to cross the gravel.

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I love you. Pass it on.